Why is forgiveness the best gift you can give yourself? Dr. Piderman says that bitterness and holding grudges results in long-term health problems for you. Your bitterness and feelings of revenge do not hurt or effect the person you are angry with. They hurt you.By holding a grudge you have given your power and control away to the person who hurt you. Think about it...if you are constantly replaying a hurtful event in your mind, if you let these feeling rule how you feel during the day, if your feelings of resentment toward someone are crowding out your positive feelings about your life, if you feel out of control and helpless in the presence of this person...well, you have let the person who hurt you take over your life. Your life is now about reacting to them, how they will react to you and the negative feelings of revenge.
It's time to let go of the pain and consider forgiveness when you find yourself:
-Dwelling on the events surrounding the offense
-Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're wallowing in self-pity
-Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you
-Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights
-Often feeling misunderstood
-Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain
-Having symptoms of depression or anxiety
-Being consumed by a desire for revenge or punishment
-Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations
-Regretting the loss of a valued relationship
-Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose
-Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs
When you forgive you are not condoning the actions of others. You are releasing yourself from past events so you can move forward in your everyday life. Saying 'I forgive you' is a weight off of your shoulders. It doesn't matter if the person who offended you ever changes.
Dr. Piderman says, "Forgiveness also means that we change old patterns of beliefs and actions that are driven by our bitterness. As we let go of grudges, we'll no longer define our lives by how we've been hurt, and we may even find compassion and understanding. "
Take the example of the Amish community in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania - In October 2006 a gunman lined up five little girls (the daughters of Amish parents) and shot them before shooting himself. The Amish live in a culture of forgiveness that is as natural to them as breathing. After the tragedy some of the families went to comfort the widow and three children of the gunman and attended the gunman's funeral.
This type of forgiveness is foreign to most of us in Western culture but it is taught very clearly in the Bible and most certainly in the doctrine of the Catholic church. Jesus tells us to behave in just the way the grieving Amish community did. If a parent whose child has been gunned down can be forgiving of the family of the man who committed the murder can't we forgive the every day slights and the bad judgment of others?
Again in her excellent article, Dr. Piderman advises this about how to know if you have truly forgiven someone, "Forgiveness may result in sincerely spoken words such as "I forgive you" or tender actions that fit the relationship. But more than this, forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. The offense is no longer front and center in your thoughts or feelings. Your hostility, resentment and misery have made way for compassion, kindness and peace."
Forgiveness is a choice and an ongoing process. Give this important gift to yourself so you can be at peace not just during this holiday season but for the future. You are the most important person in this equation. To realize that your sense of self and security does not depend on the actions of others but on how you treat and feel about yourself is very powerful.
So, give forgiveness to those who have wronged you and offer apologies to those you've hurt. Be happy during this time of love and giving. It amazing how easy it can be.
